Black Jesus

Have you ever wondered why it is that Christianity regularly violates it's own Second Commandment concerning idolatry and graven images? Why do Christians have images of Jesus adorning their church walls, stained glass windows depicting the beautiful baby Jesus in a manger, and gigantic crucifixes erected next to their pulpits? Isn't this idolatry and statue worship akin to what BibleGod punished Israel for?

Well, the truth is that Christianity needs something tangible for their masses to focus on. It's not enough to simply say that Jesus is alive and waiting for you with open arms in Heaven...they need a painting depicting this in order for people to really get behind it. The same goes for the bullshit relics that the Catholic Church prizes...tangible beats intangible any day of the week.

It's really no different than politicians plastering their faces everywhere during an election year. Sure they might win without mugging for the camera, but only a fool would forego the opportunity to put his face with his name. Face-time gets votes. Likewise, with churches facing an uphill battle in their quest to sell tickets to la-la land, they need a face to put with the name. That face is Italian, long-haired and handsome, even with nails impaling his his hands and feet.

Now, erase that image and replace it with an African Jesus. Or an Asian Jesus, any Jesus contrary to the accepted image. Make him short and pudgy, with teeth too big for his mouth and body hair everywhere. In short, make him completely opposite to what the ignorant, skin-deep masses paint as the ideal man. Would the Christian masses accept this?

Sample Jesus's: Scatman Crothers, Jackie Coogan, Marty Feldman

Want some Ice Cream, Jesus?

Uncle Fester, aka Jesus










Abby Normal, Jesus?

I push for all churches to replace their sexy Italian Jesus idols with a Black Jesus, and I'm not talking Billy Dee...I'm talking someone like Beetlejuice from the Stern show. We have a black president and stuck it to bigoted white people in America, now it's time for a black Jesus to stick it to bigoted Christians the world over. If a Black Jesus doesn't work, go for a short, bald and pudgy Christ with enormous teeth, but don't you dare make that bastard Italian. Make him cross-eyed, too.

The important thing here is that the appearance of make-believe Jesus is unimportant, it's the idea of him that counts. Let's see how many real Christians exist out there, those who can look past the face and focus on the core.

Honestly, how many do you think could stomach their prized Italian stud turning into Buckwheat?