Can Jesus stop an Asteroid?

In the long history of the Planet Earth, asteroids crossing orbits and striking it have been a common occurrence (every 100,000-500,000 years). For creationists that's a troublesome number since that's older than their Earth. Regardless, it's true.

An asteroid striking our planet would be catastrophic. Casualty estimates begin in the millions and end in the billions, up to and including every earthling larger than a grapefruit. Well, I'm not sure if all that is true but it certainly wouldn't be good and could very well mean the end of humanity. An asteroid hitting earth isn't a question of if but when. That doesn't mean it will happen tomorrow, though it could. Maybe crazy religious fanatics will have blown up the planet before it ever happens as a way to bring in the End Times.

This poses a problem for Christians. Ever the shepherd, Jesus promised to return before allowing anything like that to happen to his flock. So really, a faithful Christian shouldn't have any concern about asteroids hitting Earth. A faithful Christian should condemn the European Union, the United States, and the other countries who are spending money and actively tracking Near Earth Objects. Jesus, in saving his flock, will fly into space like Superman and deflect the silly asteroid. If he feels like putting on a show, maybe he'll grab it with one arm and throw it into the Sun!

I can imagine the Christian refrain, "God doesn't help fools. He expects us to fend for ourselves, or live with the consequences." Well that's cute and simple, but it's incorrect. God n' Jesus are perfect and cannot ever be wrong or lie. So if Jesus said he'll return before the end times, then I expect him to keep his promise. As a faithful Christian, you should too. There's no reason for the people of the world to track NEOs, or draw up plans to defend our planet from them. Jesus will protect us.

Black Jesus

Have you ever wondered why it is that Christianity regularly violates it's own Second Commandment concerning idolatry and graven images? Why do Christians have images of Jesus adorning their church walls, stained glass windows depicting the beautiful baby Jesus in a manger, and gigantic crucifixes erected next to their pulpits? Isn't this idolatry and statue worship akin to what BibleGod punished Israel for?

Well, the truth is that Christianity needs something tangible for their masses to focus on. It's not enough to simply say that Jesus is alive and waiting for you with open arms in Heaven...they need a painting depicting this in order for people to really get behind it. The same goes for the bullshit relics that the Catholic Church prizes...tangible beats intangible any day of the week.

It's really no different than politicians plastering their faces everywhere during an election year. Sure they might win without mugging for the camera, but only a fool would forego the opportunity to put his face with his name. Face-time gets votes. Likewise, with churches facing an uphill battle in their quest to sell tickets to la-la land, they need a face to put with the name. That face is Italian, long-haired and handsome, even with nails impaling his his hands and feet.

Now, erase that image and replace it with an African Jesus. Or an Asian Jesus, any Jesus contrary to the accepted image. Make him short and pudgy, with teeth too big for his mouth and body hair everywhere. In short, make him completely opposite to what the ignorant, skin-deep masses paint as the ideal man. Would the Christian masses accept this?

Sample Jesus's: Scatman Crothers, Jackie Coogan, Marty Feldman

Want some Ice Cream, Jesus?

Uncle Fester, aka Jesus










Abby Normal, Jesus?

I push for all churches to replace their sexy Italian Jesus idols with a Black Jesus, and I'm not talking Billy Dee...I'm talking someone like Beetlejuice from the Stern show. We have a black president and stuck it to bigoted white people in America, now it's time for a black Jesus to stick it to bigoted Christians the world over. If a Black Jesus doesn't work, go for a short, bald and pudgy Christ with enormous teeth, but don't you dare make that bastard Italian. Make him cross-eyed, too.

The important thing here is that the appearance of make-believe Jesus is unimportant, it's the idea of him that counts. Let's see how many real Christians exist out there, those who can look past the face and focus on the core.

Honestly, how many do you think could stomach their prized Italian stud turning into Buckwheat?

Checkmate Jesus!

A popular Christian belief is that no man knows the day that Jesus will return to Earth. Well, it seems that the guys who wrote the Bible (see image at left) painted themselves into a corner on this one...the damn waterheads created a loophole that makes it impossible for Jesus to come back! Allow me to explain.

I'm going to pick a day. Any day. Hell, you pick a day for me. Let's go with December 25th, 2010, not for symbolism but for the fact that I want to get my presents without interruption.

So I'm going to think really hard about this day. I'm going to hope and wish and meditate on it, the same way you would do it for a bet on a Vegas roulette wheel or even while praying to a make-believe man in the sky. I'm going to develop as much faith in my day as a religious person develops in their make-believe god.

And now, magically, that day has become off-limits to Jesus. He cannot return on that day, because I truly believe that he WILL return on that day. The same way a Christian believes in Jesus, I believe in that day. My faith is strong. I don't guess, I KNOW that Jesus will return on that day.

Jesus cannot return on that day because to do so would validate my belief. And in FantasyLand, the make-believe Christian God does not and cannot make mistakes.

But wait, there's more.

After December 25th, 2010 passes without Jesus return, I'll be a bit saddened. Like a devoted Christian whose prayer was not answered, I'll go back to the well. I'll pick another day, say another prayer. This time it's gonna happen, I know it in my bones.

Meanwhile in FantasyLand, Jesus puts down the car keys and sits back down to his Lawrence Welk reruns. He won't be returning that day either.

Now I am only one person. Imagine if every person, every non-Christian on the planet, chose a non-overlapping day. What if every child was assigned a day, and taught in schools around the world that their day was a very special day, for it would welcome Jesus back from FantasyLand. Imagine the faith of these children!

We're talking billions of days here. The beauty of it is that it will stave off starvation, plague, death and destruction...all those nice little perks that Jesus brings with him.

Checkmate Jesus!

If you could give one book to a Christian, what would it be?

Which one book would you give to a Christian to help them get over their God infection?

It seems that each time I read a good book written by a skeptic, I say to myself, "If only I could get Christians to read this book too!". I have a strong feeling that if a Christian could just read the very simple and easy thoughts put down by a guy like Carl Sagan, they too would see the light and realize that all of this religion stuff is nonsense.

Here's your chance to recommend books to a Christian reader that may actually turn them around to a rational way of thinking.

Personally, I'm fond of Letter to a Christian Nation, Pale Blue Dot, and The Varieties of Scientific Experience (A Personal View of the Search for God). While Pale Blue Dot wasn't necessarily about religion, I felt it provided a great perspective on our unimportant existence in the universe. The God Delusion was great too, but I don't want to scare anyone off.

Which books would you guys recommend? And Christians, would you be willing to read any of the books presented here?