Can Jesus stop an Asteroid?

In the long history of the Planet Earth, asteroids crossing orbits and striking it have been a common occurrence (every 100,000-500,000 years). For creationists that's a troublesome number since that's older than their Earth. Regardless, it's true.

An asteroid striking our planet would be catastrophic. Casualty estimates begin in the millions and end in the billions, up to and including every earthling larger than a grapefruit. Well, I'm not sure if all that is true but it certainly wouldn't be good and could very well mean the end of humanity. An asteroid hitting earth isn't a question of if but when. That doesn't mean it will happen tomorrow, though it could. Maybe crazy religious fanatics will have blown up the planet before it ever happens as a way to bring in the End Times.

This poses a problem for Christians. Ever the shepherd, Jesus promised to return before allowing anything like that to happen to his flock. So really, a faithful Christian shouldn't have any concern about asteroids hitting Earth. A faithful Christian should condemn the European Union, the United States, and the other countries who are spending money and actively tracking Near Earth Objects. Jesus, in saving his flock, will fly into space like Superman and deflect the silly asteroid. If he feels like putting on a show, maybe he'll grab it with one arm and throw it into the Sun!

I can imagine the Christian refrain, "God doesn't help fools. He expects us to fend for ourselves, or live with the consequences." Well that's cute and simple, but it's incorrect. God n' Jesus are perfect and cannot ever be wrong or lie. So if Jesus said he'll return before the end times, then I expect him to keep his promise. As a faithful Christian, you should too. There's no reason for the people of the world to track NEOs, or draw up plans to defend our planet from them. Jesus will protect us.

Checkmate Jesus!

A popular Christian belief is that no man knows the day that Jesus will return to Earth. Well, it seems that the guys who wrote the Bible (see image at left) painted themselves into a corner on this one...the damn waterheads created a loophole that makes it impossible for Jesus to come back! Allow me to explain.

I'm going to pick a day. Any day. Hell, you pick a day for me. Let's go with December 25th, 2010, not for symbolism but for the fact that I want to get my presents without interruption.

So I'm going to think really hard about this day. I'm going to hope and wish and meditate on it, the same way you would do it for a bet on a Vegas roulette wheel or even while praying to a make-believe man in the sky. I'm going to develop as much faith in my day as a religious person develops in their make-believe god.

And now, magically, that day has become off-limits to Jesus. He cannot return on that day, because I truly believe that he WILL return on that day. The same way a Christian believes in Jesus, I believe in that day. My faith is strong. I don't guess, I KNOW that Jesus will return on that day.

Jesus cannot return on that day because to do so would validate my belief. And in FantasyLand, the make-believe Christian God does not and cannot make mistakes.

But wait, there's more.

After December 25th, 2010 passes without Jesus return, I'll be a bit saddened. Like a devoted Christian whose prayer was not answered, I'll go back to the well. I'll pick another day, say another prayer. This time it's gonna happen, I know it in my bones.

Meanwhile in FantasyLand, Jesus puts down the car keys and sits back down to his Lawrence Welk reruns. He won't be returning that day either.

Now I am only one person. Imagine if every person, every non-Christian on the planet, chose a non-overlapping day. What if every child was assigned a day, and taught in schools around the world that their day was a very special day, for it would welcome Jesus back from FantasyLand. Imagine the faith of these children!

We're talking billions of days here. The beauty of it is that it will stave off starvation, plague, death and destruction...all those nice little perks that Jesus brings with him.

Checkmate Jesus!