Matthew 24:34
"Truly I say to you, this generation will not pass away until all these things take place."

July 8, 2010

Checkmate Jesus!

A popular Christian belief is that no man knows the day that Jesus will return to Earth. Well, it seems that the guys who wrote the Bible (see image at left) painted themselves into a corner on this one...the damn waterheads created a loophole that makes it impossible for Jesus to come back! Allow me to explain.

I'm going to pick a day. Any day. Hell, you pick a day for me. Let's go with December 25th, 2010, not for symbolism but for the fact that I want to get my presents without interruption.

So I'm going to think really hard about this day. I'm going to hope and wish and meditate on it, the same way you would do it for a bet on a Vegas roulette wheel or even while praying to a make-believe man in the sky. I'm going to develop as much faith in my day as a religious person develops in their make-believe god.

And now, magically, that day has become off-limits to Jesus. He cannot return on that day, because I truly believe that he WILL return on that day. The same way a Christian believes in Jesus, I believe in that day. My faith is strong. I don't guess, I KNOW that Jesus will return on that day.

Jesus cannot return on that day because to do so would validate my belief. And in FantasyLand, the make-believe Christian God does not and cannot make mistakes.

But wait, there's more.

After December 25th, 2010 passes without Jesus return, I'll be a bit saddened. Like a devoted Christian whose prayer was not answered, I'll go back to the well. I'll pick another day, say another prayer. This time it's gonna happen, I know it in my bones.

Meanwhile in FantasyLand, Jesus puts down the car keys and sits back down to his Lawrence Welk reruns. He won't be returning that day either.

Now I am only one person. Imagine if every person, every non-Christian on the planet, chose a non-overlapping day. What if every child was assigned a day, and taught in schools around the world that their day was a very special day, for it would welcome Jesus back from FantasyLand. Imagine the faith of these children!

We're talking billions of days here. The beauty of it is that it will stave off starvation, plague, death and destruction...all those nice little perks that Jesus brings with him.

Checkmate Jesus!


  1. Mr. Atheist,

    You have to do better than this! Truly believing in and having faith is something is not the same as 'knowing'. Knowledge of something presupposes a factual basis and experience of a thing. For someone to pick a day and really believe and hope and think that the day picked is the day of the Lord's return, is not the same as 'knowing' the day or the hour.

    I know it makes for good caustic writing, but, it just is not logical. But then, we Christians are generally not viewed as being very logical, so I suppose a lot of Christians would get their panties in a wad if they read your scathing and erudite challenge to their faith.

    I on the other waiting for something more challenging.

    Hey, I may take you up for some tea in Garden Grove some Saturday!

  2. I disagree. The factual basis and experience of Jesus' return is proved by his return. A scientist can know that something is true without observing it. Einstein knew of time dilation before it was proven decades later.

    My 'knowing' the day that Jesus will return is the same as the Christian 'knowing' that Jesus resurrected and flew up to Heaven like a beautiful bird. If my knowledge of this is null, so is that of the Christian. It is simply not fair to give credence to the Christian's knowledge of Jesus as their Lord and Savior, while not giving it to the person who believes they know when Jesus will return.

    But this is irrelevant anyhow. We cannot see into a person's mind to understand how they process or validate 'knowledge'. We can only take their word for it. If I say that Jesus spoke to me last night and imparted knowledge to me, am I lying or am I telling the truth? I imagine sermons are considered knowledge from God? Either you know that you spoke to God or you don't know. I can tell you that you didn't...does that mean you're wrong?

    So if a person says they know that tomorrow will bring a visitor from afar, and then Aunt Bertha appears, this evidence then validates the claim to knowledge. This becomes even more powerful when someone takes an opposing view, claiming that nobody can ever know when Aunt Bertha would arrive.

    Let's take an extreme case. Let's say everyone in the world, 7 billion people, agree that tomorrow is the day. How embarassing for Jesus to return tomorrow and validate their claim to knowledge! Would he hold a press conference to explain the intricate details of how 7 billion people didn't 'really' know? Not good for his popular appeal, and we know the majority of those 7 billion aren't even Christians. Hell, the guy could be crucified for that!